1. New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit.
Coming from Taylor Swift..the same girl who’s always heartbroken and all of her songs sound the same…I foresee quite the change there, anyways….
I see it every year. The ball drops, 3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! And then social media is flooded with new years pictures kissing Bae with a cute caption letting everyone know how Lazy Lisa and Stagnant Steve are going to do this, that, and the other this year because #NewYearNewMe.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???
What on earth makes you think that after years of bad habits and poor choices, at the “drop of a ball” you’re magically going to become a completely different person than the self-centered fartbox you were 1 second prior.
This is the worst kind of person. Don’t be the New Year’s resolution guy/girl.
2. Master the Art of Saying “No”
Something I’ve learned within the past year is that I’m not going to do anything I truly don’t want to do anymore. (Obviously within reason, we all have to pay taxes and buy toilet paper for out shitters)
But if there is something that you’re doing everyday or a person you can’t stand being around anymore…fucking don’t do it or don’t see them. Simple as that. If you don’t want to go somewhere, simply don’t go. As long as it’s not going to affect your livelihood or hurt someone else, you don’t have to do a damn thing you truly don’t want to do.
It’s an invigorating feeling of freedom when you can finally live your life the way YOU want it to be and not have to worry about the feelings of societal normality. Try it. I promise you won’t regret it.
3. If you are the New Year’s resolution type *sigh* make a resolution rooted in long-term discipline with a realistic mindset.
Before: December 31st, 2016 After: January 1st, 2017
“What a transformation Fat Fred!”
“Do you wanna be part of the get fit fast #fitfam family of fast fitness? Start today on our easy 24hr full body cleanse and lose 500lbs fast!”
DON’T BE THIS PERSON EITHER
If you’re 300lbs and you’ve neglected your body for 35 years, don’t think you’re going to look like the model on the Abercrombie bag of the gift you got your wife on Christmas after a few days of going vegan and doing Zumba. It’s not gonna happen. Instead, create a mindset that doesn’t have a specific “end goal” it should be a change in the way you live your life forever not until 2018 or even worse, until the second week of January…
4. Don’t be SENSITIVE SALLY or MILLENNIAL MIKE
If you live outside of under a rock, I’m assuming you have some type of social media or at least access to the Internet in some fashion.
If so, it’s probably safe to say you’ve seen some of the fuckery 2016 has presented to us.
Whether it be “grown” androgynous “men” (or women or aliens or whatever the hell you identify with because #PoliticallyCorrectness) in need of a safe place to cuddle and cry after realizing that they can’t find their nonexistent knick knacks and the world hurts their feelings, people praying to a dead gorilla while laying in a field after smoking some drug that Sketchy Scooter made in his grandma’s bathtub, or people believing that an openly racist group of ignorant assholes who tear down their own cities want better for you more so than their law enforcement counterparts.
These are also the worst type of people.
Be a good person , work your ass off, don’t be a pussy, and lift some damn weights.
5. LIFT SOME DAMN WEIGHTS!!
^I was currently having a conversation with Jesus at this moment.^
If you’re ever feeling sorry for yourself or on the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling you’re the best thing since sliced bread, go put a bar on your back, load it up with weight and squat that fucker for as many reps as you possibly can, then go pick up some heavy dumbbells and carry them until your grip gives out and tell me if you still feel the same afterwards.
It will humble the arrogant and empower the weak!
You’ll start to feel better, look better, and be better.
Don’t suck in 2017. I hope everyone has a great year full of prosperity. Live your life, eat great food, have great sex, lift heavy shit and be merry!